It can be hard to know where to start when it comes to supporting a friend or relative who is grieving. You may feel like you want to be there for them at all times, but that can often feel overwhelming when you have just lost someone. Read on for some of the do’s and don’ts of helping someone through grief.
The don’ts:
1. Don’t only focus on the positives
Finding positives such as ‘they led a great life’ can be helpful, but don’t be that person who tries to find the good in every situation. People often remember pleasant thoughts about the person who has died more accurately than unpleasant ones, so do bear that in mind too. The best thing you can do is be sympathetic and listen to what your friend or relative is saying. Sometimes just being there is all they need.
2. Don’t compare it to your experience
The worst thing you can do is compare your grief journey to theirs. Whether you have lost a pet, relative, or friend, don’t bring that up around your grieving friend or relative. It is not useful for them to hear, and they need to navigate through their feelings in a way that works for them.
3. Don’t comment on their appearance
One of the most common things people say to someone who is grieving is ‘you look well’ or ‘you look like you are coping’. However, it can be really easy to show the external world that you are doing fine when you are out in public for a short period of time. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors when they are alone at night. Appearances can be incredibly deceiving, so keep checking in on your friend or relative.
4. Don’t push your faith on them
Not everyone has the same religious beliefs, so don’t push your religion onto the person who is grieving. If they are interested in going to church or learning more about how to deal with grief with the help of religion, they will ask you.
The do’s:
1. Reach out
The person you are supporting through grief may well try and push you away, but that is a natural reaction. You can’t keep holding back in case you say the wrong thing to them. Sometimes the feeling that someone cares about you can really help when times get tough, so let the person know that you are thinking about them.
2. Listen to them
If the person who is grieving initiates a conversation with you, don’t jump down their throat or talk over them. It may be that they just have some words they want to get off their chest, so let them. Talking about grief can be incredibly hard, but also an important part of the healing process.
3. Offer to take them to a support group
Sometimes it can help to connect with others who are going through a similar situation, as grief often feels very isolating. There are lots of different support groups available, so have a look online and see if any look suitable for your friend or family member. Always offer to go with them too, as groups can often feel quite intimidating.
4. Be sensitive with your words
This can be very hard to action, and some people who are grieving would prefer to hear the word ‘dead’ as opposed to ‘passed away’ which can seem like sugarcoating things. Some people prefer a more direct approach, as it helps them come to terms with the fact that they have lost a loved one. Others, on the other hand, need a softer approach as they come to terms with their loss. You can’t be a mind-reader, so ask your friend or relative what they would prefer to avoid saying something that inadvertently upsets them. Of course, if you can work this out without asking them directly that is always best.
Summary
We hope you have found this guide useful when it comes to supporting a grieving friend or relative. The main thing to take away is to trust your natural instincts in wanting to help them. Be there for them, and if you can’t work out exactly how you can help them, don’t be afraid to ask. It is much better than guessing incorrectly and upsetting them further.